Friday, December 17, 2010
10 Ways to Gain Weight, Feel Miserable, and Shorten Life
by Aaron Hoopes
1. Stay away from fresh vegetables. Fresh vegetables provide the body with essential vitamins and nutrients that keep the body healthy and are not recommended if you are trying to contract cancer or some other life-threatening disease. Vegetables also provide fiber which helps the digestive system process the food we eat. Avoiding vegetables should help you to experience digestive problems as well as keeping your bodily functions irregular.
2. Eat red meat, lots of it. Red meat is an excellent source of saturated fat and cholesterol which can cause high blood pressure and heart disease. A diet of red meat offers a much better chance of contracting colon cancer or having a heart attack. Be sure to eat the more processed meat from fast food outlets. This meat has been filled with antibiotics and chemicals that will play havoc with your health.
3. Drink diet soda. Don’t be fooled by the word diet in diet soda, this is the go-to drink for gaining weight. Studies have found that drinking diet soda has a direct effect on weight gain. Even better, every can or bottle of soda you drink increases the chances for you to become obese. Don’t be worried if you don’t like the taste of diet soda, they have added special chemicals to addict you to the taste even if it tastes horrible.
4. Stuff yourself. Stuffing is not just for Thanksgiving. Make every meal a gorge fest. You want to cultivate that feeling of heaviness in the belly, making you lethargic and unmotivated for anything. Filling yourself until full and then munching on a little bit more will guarantee bouts of indigestion and other uncomfortable bodily processes.
5. Eat while distracted. Be sure to eat with the television on so you are not aware of how much food you are putting into your mouth. Try to eat on the run if possible. Don’t stop to think about what you are eating, just eat. The practice of eating while driving your car is an excellent example of this type of eating. Another good way to practice this is to eat while talking on the phone or texting. Try to do anything but pay attention to what you are eating. That way you can overeat and be sure you don’t enjoy it.
6. Eat more candy, cakes, and refined sugar. This list would not be complete without sweets. Foods filled with refined sugar are an excellent source of calories and assist in rapid weight gain. The human body cannot tolerate large amounts of refined carbohydrates that come from sugar and you should be able to damage your internal organs with enough sugar. An added benefit from excessive amounts of sugar is irreversible tooth decay.
7. Take a lot of prescription pharmaceuticals. Prescription medications provide an excellent source of chemicals to unbalance your bodily systems and make you feel terrible very quickly. Be sure to mix them together so that the cocktail of chemicals can destabilize the body’s natural ability to heal itself and prevent you from recovering from what ails you. Consult your doctor and insist on a prescription for medications you’ve seen advertised on television or in magazines. If you are lucky the side effects should necessitate needing more medications.
8. Smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol to excess. Cigarettes are a shortcut to unhealthiness, smoke them whenever possible. Be sure to inhale the smoke deep into your lungs and cough as you exhale. In addition to damaging the delicate lung tissue it has the added benefit of burning your esophagus and staining your teeth and fingers. Drinking alcohol to excess is a wonderful method of causing cell damage in the liver. Even better, drinking can impair brain development and help with destroying the cardiovascular system. If you can manage to drink a lot on a daily basis you should be able to ruin your family and social relationships without too much difficulty.
9. Don’t exercise, ever. Exercise is the number one cause of healthy feeling within the body. It increases blood and energy flow through the body and can quickly make you feel much better. Avoid it at all costs. Exercise doesn’t have to be hard physical exertion, even gentle movement such as yoga or tai chi can cause positive feelings. Turn on the television and eat whenever the urge to move comes upon you.
10. Forget to breathe. Breathing brings more oxygen into the body. The oxygen is converted into energy and flows through your body. To stop this from happening, try not to breathe deeply. Short, shallow breaths in the upper chest are best for bringing in a minimum of oxygen. If you are in a stressful situation be sure to hold your breath and tighten up so that you can get the most benefit from the lack of oxygen and tension in your body.
Finally, if you are truly serious about gaining weight, feeling miserable and shortening your life, do not read the book Zen Anti-Diet: Mindful Eating for Health, Vitality and Weight Loss. Everything in this book runs counter to the practices listed here. In addition, be sure to avoid The Art of Zen Yoga as it instills a sense of relaxation, flexibility and overall good health to anyone exposed to it.